Lifestyle
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The AI assistant pointed me toward Bystander intervention, which is worth mentioning here. I heard of the concept, but didn’t read into it. Glad I did. ↩︎
On Not having Kids: the Choices we Make
With the days growing shorter and work being what it is, I find that once again I don’t even leave the apartment — and when I do, it’s usually for a short errand like grocery shopping or returning something to Amazon at the local Staples.
Work fills up my time, especially now with less daylight, but that’s only half the story. My energy is drained more regularly and thoroughly as I spend more of my spoons there.
Fortunately, I believe that at this point in time the downward spiral has slowed down. I am able to select points in my day where I take care of myself on a regular basis. I manage to sleep more overall. I exercise, though briefly, a couple of times a week (OK, twice, and it’s still a struggle, but hey, better than nothing). I go for short walks to get some sun while it’s still out. I see a therapist again to keep an eye on everything, and I managed to get a hold of ADHD meds (finally) if I need them.
And yet, or perhaps because of all of this, I find that I’m thirsty to be more creative. To do more with my own projects — be it this blog, Emacs geekery, or discovering and playing new video games (rather than playing the same old ones over and over). Hell, I’m even enjoying a new book I’m mostly done with at this point.
Many of my co-workers have kids. As a matter of fact, most of them have kids who have already left home. I find myself wondering how they did it. I can’t imagine the sacrifices that had to be made. For me, it would probably mean switching jobs or choosing which people I can’t spend time with. While I would never be monogamous, I wouldn’t be able to have as many close people to me as I do now. There’s simply not enough time in the day, and days in the week.
I realized that if I had kids, they would take priority, leaving me no time to be who I am today. I wouldn’t be me — and I like the person I am.
It’s not just me either. I find that my close friends, those in my polyamorous circles, are making the same choices. Only a few days ago, a third one made the choice to undergo a hysterectomy. It’s not just a pattern: it’s a commitment that goes beyond my simpler choice to remain childfree.
As we grow older, our choices become more of a one-way street. This sounds negative, but it’s not inherently bad. Going forward without looking back means no second-guessing, and moving forward at full speed toward what you believe is right for you. It lets you plan ahead on principles you believe in. It means you trust yourself.
A Weekend Hike and Turning Off Work Mode
A few days after I returned from Maine, I made an impulsive choice to take another short vacation, or more of an extended weekend. The idea was to plan as little as possible: find a place to hike nearby, book a hotel or Airbnb, and just do it instead of thinking about it for months. It worked — I followed through this time. 📷
I was pretty much able to turn off my mental “work mode” without issues, which hasn’t been easy the last few vacations. The fact that I use my work phone when I’m out doesn’t help of course. I know it’s one of those “duh” things, but you’d be surprised how hard it is to disconnect. It’s like exercising a skill: you get better with time.
I took a picture of the sign at the entrance to the park, and as we were walking I matched the trails in the picture against Google Maps on my phone1. I made navigation calls with RKWB this time. I realize, in hindsight, that I wasn’t as passive as I was in Maine. We spent over 5 hours hiking and throwing stupid “your face” jokes at each other at every opportunity, but overall we were quiet, pointing at water springs, leaves, and anything else that looked interesting. It was nice to have someone wait and look after me for a change as we climbed down high rocks and jumped across muddy puddles.
The hotel was nice. Nothing fancy, but for the price (especially compared to other Airbnbs in the area) you couldn’t beat it. A bedroom and a small living room/dining area, a small kitchen, and a full-size bathtub. It was nice and clean, with fresh towels every day, WiFi, phone chargers, a TV with movie channels, and anything else you need — light breakfast included.
As a person who used to live in NJ for years, it was an odd choice for a vacation and to stay two nights in a suburban town with strip malls and Starbucks. To me, a vacation needed traveling by airplane or at least a train, a suitcase, and a few dedicated days. This was nothing like it. We found a local coffee shop sandwiched between a dry cleaner and an ice cream shop, and an interesting thrift store with a couple of tchotchkes to take home, even though it was part of the local church right next to the quiet driveways of the houses around. It was a place people live in, and it made the whole transition feel more natural.
Afternoon Walks like these are one of my best life hacks. Boosts the mood and allows perspective that can narrow down to a tunnel vision during work. 📷
It's not Enough, but it's Something
Girl on the Net (I will call her GOTN moving forward) wrote about the Cornell rape allegations. There’s plenty to read on her website and in the Wikipedia page if you want the details — it’s unfortunately a familiar story in American colleges.
What moved me to think was this part:
Far harder to start an awkward conversation. One-on-one or in the group chat with your guy friends. Somewhere there aren’t any women to show off to.
Yeah. I know exactly what she’s talking about. I’m an IT guy. I work with IT folks who are still about 90% men, and yes, I’ve heard some messed-up things. I’m sure I’m not the only one.
Sexist jokes happen because sex happens, and some people are less mature than others. Some are just trying to break the ice, or be “one of the guys,” or god knows what. It doesn’t matter. Some of the things I’ve heard made me cringe, and I knew they were wrong the moment I heard them. I didn’t do anything and just moved on.
The why is easy to answer. The people who said the cringy things are people I work with day in and day out. These are people I rely on. Some are my friends at work. Standing up and saying something won’t just be awkward, it would be a showstopper. It would derail a whole meeting that is otherwise important, and it might scare these people off from talking to me openly again, because “I can’t take a joke” or whatever. It wouldn’t be an understatement to say that it would damage my job.
The other part of rape culture GOTN talks about in this post is the hero flaw: men wait to be heroes and stop the evil villain who is about to do something “rapeful” to an innocent poor woman, and they will swoop in to save the day, just like in the movies. Obviously, this doesn’t usually happen, so if you’re waiting on this, you’re probably not going to do anything in the end.
Thing is, if something like this happened around me, I’m not sure I’d be able to act. I’m not a big guy; I’m a lifelong geek who was bullied in school growing up (worth mentioning here while we’re on the topic that one of the most persistent bullies was a girl). But reality is not a fantasy, and I know similar situations from my past when I had to do something, and I did. And it was probably as remote from being a hero as you could imagine.
It’s scary, and you need to fight against your instinct on both counts. Your instinct tells you to shut up, laugh along, or move to another car—There is no hero instinct1.
GOTN and probably others who read this post would say it’s nothing and doesn’t really help, and they are probably right. I’d just like to say it doesn’t help enough. It’s something. I had her article saved for two weeks and it was something I wasn’t sure I wanted to write about. I could have just shrugged and move on, but I didn’t at the end. And even though I don’t think folks would believe me if I say it’s not about guilt, I’ll say it anyway. It’s not about guilt. It’s just something worth saying that needs to be said.
Maybe I can’t be as obnoxious as GOTN would like me to be. After all, my connections at work are very important to me (as a manager, that’s often what gets stuff done). But her post made me think, and I might be able to do something more next time. Maybe, if you read all the way to this point, you would also. And while it’s not enough — it’s something.
A month ago, The Tinkering Dwarf wrote that writing is hard when stressed. It was a small post, one of those “life happens” vents, but it resonated with me.
I was just before my vacation to Maine. I haven’t been sleeping well, which isn’t new, but I’ve started connecting a couple of dots with my physical health as well. I gained weight, and for the first time in my life, some of my pants stopped being comfortable. The RSI issue I wrote about occurred around the time I had an annoying eye infection. 5 Hours of sleep a night meant even less energy to do anything.
My mental energy is mostly spent on work, which means other areas like writing have been slowing down.
I started a process of correcting this, and in a way I hope that writing it down here would make it more “official” for me to follow. One unexpected difference between writing for work vs. writing for leisure has been my new keyboard: I use it fully now inside Emacs, but it’s still too slow for work, so I leave it for posts and writing in my journal. The quiet that comes with it (it doesn’t make typing sounds) and the slowness allow me to concentrate more on my intention writing, which I enjoy.
Fairness and content
Dan had a good post about polyamory, in which he explains how his partner Ruth shares a bed between him and his meta — her other life partner.
This invites a discussion about polyamory, but first, a discussion about fairness and content. In my mind that’s the main thing in the post before we get to relationships.
The point is simple:
When you aim for parity, you’re trying to make sure that every person gets the same thing. But this isn’t ideal, because not every person wants or needs the same thing!
Fairness, is aiming to for everybody to be content.
Ideally, everybody would get everything they wanted, all the time! But where that’s impossible, we can aim to at-least ensure that everybody is content. That everything is “good enough” for everybody. Unlike a quest for parity, this respects the fact that people have different needs.
I like pour-over coffee on Sunday mornings. My partner Nat doesn’t really care as long as there is coffee. Meanwhile, my mom, when she comes to visit, prefers pour-over every time because of its pureness and strength. If you were over, you might like it with cream and sugar — to my horror, may I add, but I won’t judge you for it! The point is, we all want different things.
Take it another step. I like my pour-over Sundays, and Nat doesn’t really care, right? That means we build a routine around it. The Sunday morning coffee. We don’t build it because Sunday is special, or because I need to cycle through my compost containers — it’s the other way around: it works, so we start doing it this way, which becomes a custom, which makes Sunday a bit special because of it, and I end up rotating my compost disposal routine around it because it’s convenient. Before you know it, it’s weird if it doesn’t happen.
Relationships are not all that different.
To circle back to Dan’s polyamory, the idea is to keep people content. Give everyone something so they feel satisfied enough. There is a compromise, yes, but it’s worth it because it means everyone is satisfied, not just individuals. And when you’re involved with and care about several people, having everyone content like this is the main thing. It’s what makes it work. If that wasn’t the case, it wouldn’t exist.
When my partner RK comes around, about once a week, we spend intimate time together. It means Nat doesn’t get to be as intimate with me as they’d like, for that specific time. I’m taking a wild guess here, knowing Nat for I think 15 years (I’m losing count at this point), that he doesn’t mind it that much. He likes his space, and while he appreciates care and attention, he’d say he’s like a cat: give in small doses, maybe a small cuddle, show that he’s important, and run away before he scratches your face. I’m in a similar way, which is why we have our separate bedrooms. We each prefer our privacy and space this way. It’s a given. Our lives are built around this — much like the Sunday coffee, just on another level.
I feel like this is a point people who look at non-monogamy from the outside don’t understand. How do you share the bedroom? How do you share romance, how do you share sex, how do you even live under the same roof? The answer is, you just do. It just happens. Just as Dan says:
If you love and trust and want the best for one another, then – hopefully – you can be honest about what you want, and can be okay with being hearing whether or not it’s something that your partner(s) can provide. Or else work together to find compromise position that best facilitates everybody’s needs!
In other words, “use your words.” Does it always work, 100%? Of course not. People get upset. Shit hits the fan. But it doesn’t happen often, or almost ever, if everyone is content. Even if the package comes undone, and everyone goes their own way (as it happened to me not too long ago), it doesn’t feel like a loss, because we’re still in touch. We’re still friends. It’s just natural like everything else. You tune the volume level on the relationship and become content on a different level.
I realize that for me this is a way of life, and for some this might sound like I’m from Mars. For me it was always this way, even before I could name my relationship type and try to chase the ever-changing labels that define it. And judging from how long this has been working, I’d say it’s pretty good and stable.
And Dan, I appreciate you bringing this up, talking about it, and inviting a conversation. I don’t think we talk about it enough. So thanks!
I Don't Use Soap for All my Dishes
I have a confession. I don’t wash my single-purpose dishes with soap all the time.
Things like my tofu press, black tea diffuser, Chemex, compostable plastic dish, etc. For the most part, it’s because I use them too often (like the tea diffuser), but also, I think it’s a waste of soap to do it all the time.
If I use my Chemex to make coffee on Sunday mornings, it’s fine if I just rinse it with water and let it dry. Same for my tofu press. I use those for only that one thing, and that one thing is not very germy anyway. It’s fine to use soap only once in a while. The tea diffuser doesn’t wash well in the dishwasher (leaves stay stuck in it), so I just rinse it by hand, get the leaves out with my fingers, and let it dry. I use soap after three or four uses, which translates to about once every couple of weeks.
My compost plastic bin? Disgusting, right?
Well, we don’t really eat meat at home. Most of what goes in there are remains of vegetables (skins and pits from eating or just those that are about to rot), old bread slices (I get fresh bread every week, and I don’t like to eat bread that’s older than two weeks), sometimes tea bags or sauces that are too thick to spill down the drain (here’s a tip: use the toilet for those. If it’s organic, it’s fine, and the toilet is meant to handle much larger… chunks… anyway) All of those get frozen in the fridge so they don’t smell (here’s a picture of how the frozen coffee and loose tea leafs look like, frozen)
I use a recyclable baking sheet at the bottom so the food doesn’t stick to the plastic, and when it’s time to empty the bin, I take it out, give it about two minutes to thaw just a bit, and take it downstairs to the trash room. With the baking sheet, it falls right out in one woosh. When I come back, unless there are stains and food remains, I don’t use soap. It’s for organic food only. We never eat from it. Hot water is fine.
Just wanted to get it off my chest
Is it Friday yet?
TP quest: Switching Back to Who Gives A Crap Because Amazon Basic's is... Crap.
About two years ago, I learned that I’m not just being a grumpy “back in the good old days…” style about toilet paper. The article I read was good, and if I recall correctly, I emailed the author and also learned from him that something similar is happening with our sweaters.
The takeaway is thus: toilet paper is expensive, and manufacturers are using less and less paper. The result is that it runs out more quickly and tears more easily.
My solution to this problem was to start buying my toilet paper from Who Gives A Crap. Back then, it solved two problems:
First, delivery. Toilet paper packages are big, especially if you’re buying for more than just one person. As a city dweller without a car, schlepping with a big box takes away all the space for other groceries.
Second, the quality for the price. While WGAC is not exactly the cheapest, the convenience of delivery + subscription and the nice packaging (I liked the different colors of the wrappings and the lack of plastic in the packaging) were nice.
But then, the internet shenanigans started, and eventually made me give up on them. Amazon was available, quick, and cheap — so I went for it.
Now, after a year and a half of buying Amazon Basics TP, the crappy quality (sorry, couldn’t help myself) caught up to them. The toilet paper is bad enough that we run out of a roll within a few days (we’re two adults here, that’s a lot), and it’s thin enough to be basically see‑through. If your business is a bit… er… flowing, you can almost spend half a roll cleaning up because the damn thing basically dissolves on contact.
So I decided enough is enough, canceled the subscription, and went back to WGAC. I’m not sure their quality hasn’t diminished over time, but at least they offer a bamboo option, which, according to my earlier research, is less affected. And yes, I know I can probably find something else on Amazon and subscribe to that, but I did like WGAC, and I want to give them another chance.
Now I want to watch some Beavis and Butt-Head 🧻 😆
Shnatz: Scheduling Mental Afternoon Reboots
Shnatz (שנ״צ) in Hebrew (the tz as the zz in pizza) is an abbreviation of two Hebrew words, שנת צהריים, which means noon sleep. In the US, this is known as Siesta, borrowed from Spanish, because the concept of a noon nap is as alien to Americans as a baconless breakfast, so we don’t have a word for it here.
The photo above by Svein Halvor Halvorsen, “Last day before final exam,” licensed as CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.
In Israel, where I grew up, this was a sacred time in the day. You weren’t allowed to play soccer with your friends; you weren’t allowed to make noise. In kindergarten, you’re “strongly encouraged” to take a nap, or else.
This is slowly becoming a sacred time for me too. As time goes by, my struggle with the need for a “power nap” after 4.5 to 6.5 hours of night sleep is becoming something I’m comfortable with, a ritual I’m looking forward to. As a morning person whose creativity mostly takes place in the morning with a cup of coffee, which is why I blog in these hours usually (you’re welcome), it dawned on me last week that with a Shnatz, I get two mornings in one day. When I wake up from my nap, which is usually about 20 minutes, I’m energetic enough to exercise or tackle the more challenging tasks at work.
For too long, I’ve treated my need for an afternoon nap as a weakness or a problem. It’s been an issue I have to deal with, bundled with my insomnia. I started looking for a medical intervention but stopped at the last minute and asked myself for the 100th time: “Is taking a short nap really that bad, or are you just led to believe it is?”
I started to embrace it. It was hard, but I managed to turn off my phone for 30 minutes (isn’t that nuts when you think about it?) during my workday. Why 30 minutes? I give myself 5 minutes to fall asleep and 5 minutes to fully wake up.
No surprise, it’s working well - the difference is that now I feel better about it. I’m going to start scheduling it in my calendar. I’m going to stop being ashamed of it and start calling it a “life hack” instead, even though some of my friends call it “you’re just getting older, ya old fart.” Whatever! The result is the same.
This break is useful for additional things. One of those is to signal the time for exercise, as indicated earlier. I exercise at home, so I can do other things in between sets. I can also use this time to cook for myself, which I enjoy. A quick second shower, especially on hot days, is also a good idea, and with it, a good time to charge my Apple Watch. At the very least, it’s a good time to “reboot” my brain (hmm… a chance for meditation? Not a bad idea) and let my internal programming start fresh, with a new set of priorities.
If you get tired in the afternoon, I recommend you try it if you can escape somewhere for even 10 minutes. It doesn’t have to happen at exactly the same hour on the same day. I take a nap in between meetings or instead of my lunch (don’t need that much time to eat anyway). Sometimes I wake up rested after less than 10 minutes, other times I want to keep sleeping - but I find that 20 minutes or so is the sweet spot, and I usually wake without an alarm. So give yourself a Shnatz. You’re worth it.