I’ve had a nice lazy weekend. These days I can aim for rest, but getting it is a different thing. Between my brain having ideas and anxieties that wake me up in crazy hours in the morning and various urgent matters at work, something as simple as a 10-15 minute nap can become very challenging.

There’s been so much work I couldn’t even organize my notes in the little notebook I carry with me everywhere. I wanted to attend the Micro.blog Analog Tools meetup, which I was invited to, but I managed to forget and napped instead. I had a conversation with my mom on Facetime during the weekend, and only then, through telling her what was going on, I realized how much I’ve been doing this past week alone, as I had to stop one story and go to another that explains it, and then another one that explains that story as well. I was trying to sum it up, and as I did that, I thought: “Wow, this is crazy. Did I actually do all of that?”

There are two personal challenges I’m trying to conquer. The first one is dealing with the new leading role I’m in. I’m back with many people I worked with, but this time, I need to ask them to do things, organize priorities, and talk to their managers to get it all working. While I’ve been in a leading position before, I always lead from within the team as a member. I wasn’t leading by a title. I was just the guy who had the project sheet open and had an eye on the bigger scope. This is now different, and I’m often conscious about other people’s time and the notion that perhaps they can’t be as honest with me as they have been.

The other more difficult issue is that I feel like a fake. Who am I to ask about our security groups in Active Directory next to a sysadmin who’s done their job for over a decade? How can I ask someone to prep workstations if I forgot how to do it myself? Why was I chosen for this role at all? I’m familiar with imposter syndrome, and I think I wrote about it here before, but I don’t like to fit feelings and thoughts into neat little boxes. It helps to know that someone else made the choice because they thought I was a good idea for this role. It’s also good to have some anxiety going on to keep me on my toes and have me learning new things and re-learning old ones.

One thing I can say for sure is that rest or even slowing down was not something I allowed myself to do throughout the week and parts of the weekend. Having a weekend like I just did was well-earned. And another thing: I think I’m done talking about how I feel in this role for now. Venting about something is OK, but it’s enough now; reminiscing and repeating the same points is not something I want to keep doing.