Lifestyle
About Dunbar and (not having) Relationship Circles
I have an indirect problem with the Dunbar number and measuring relationships in circles. It’s not Dunbar; the limit is how many close (or best) friends I can have. That number (the Dunbar number) makes sense to me. It’s more that I don’t really have these circles people talk about.
While I have some form of a hierarchy in my relationships, I probably don’t separate them the same way most people would. For one thing, I’m non-monogamous, which means I don’t have just one “life” partner. I gave up on trying to make this monogamous model work for me a long time ago. For another, intimacy does not automatically mean sex to me, which I feel is heavily indicated when people say “intimate.”
So now that I look at these charts, what are my circles? If I’m comfortable with someone and feel close enough to them (good friend? best friend?), an intimate connection is possible, at least for me. There’s no separation. You could argue with me that an intimate relationship could maybe “promote” someone from a “good” friend to a “best” friend, but that’s not true for me either, especially if you mean sex.
Now add to that the fact that I’m child-free to this confusion (I don’t want to have kids, and neither do my partners), and the whole family unit model goes out the window.
OK, so where do I draw the circles?
That’s the thing. I don’t think I have circles. Maybe one circle, which is more like a cloud of “good friends” (which includes close friends, best friends, whatever friends) and just people I know. These folks can move closer to me and further apart, as they have over the years. Beyond the cloud, there’s another level of acquaintances, people I have a routine with (like co-workers) that are something Nick calls recurring strangers. And beyond that..? I don’t think I have much of anything. It’s just people.
So, I don’t know. I never quite fit into these norms, and I still don’t. For me, it’s just how I live.
Harmony of Tea and Coffee
I’ve been dividing my day into two parts recently: coffee AM and tea PM. Both have been giving me happiness recently, especially as the days get shorter and gray.
The coffee ritual takes place around 06:00. I have three options to choose from: the regular “American style” drip coffee (Mr. Coffee), pour-over (Chemex), or espresso. I usually have two kinds of coffee beans: espresso roast and specialty coffee that I try out, usually with the Chemex.
Depending on how much time I have and what I had the previous day, I make a jug big enough for me and my two partners, so each one of us has at least one mug of bean juice. I usually don’t add milk to pour-over coffee, as I like to taste it clean and appreciate the flavor. Later, I will use the same coffee in the Mr. Coffee and add just a bit of milk (usually almond milk, rarely oat milk, never cow milk) to top it off and chill it a bit.
I used to drink more coffee at work, but after a co-worker decided to stop drinking coffee, I got us “hooked” on tea. I also “blame” Alex Schroeder for my renewed love of green tea. I know a good store in Manhattan that sells high-quality loose-leaf tea, so I’ll get us a bag that would last for about six weeks. I make the trip downtown myself whenever I’m out of supply of Lung Ching, my favorite tea, to replenish my own stash.
Around 19:00 (that’s 7 PM), my desire for a hot (never boiling) cup of green tea kicks in. I then sit in my armchair in my room, relax and concentrate on my breathing, halfway meditating, and go through most of the mug. This usually helps me re-focus my thoughts on writing in my journal, wiki, or for my blog.
My coffee and tea routines act as an anchor for my day. As time passes and I keep at it, these are two “seeds” in my day from which I can grow whatever branches of tasks and projects I want to do. It’s a good way to evaluate time and do something nice for myself. Of course, I can’t always have my coffee and tea. I tried to “make up” for those before by getting tea or coffee outside, but usually I end up disappointed. Besides, there’s nothing quite like making a good cup of tea or coffee for yourself.