Dan had a good post about polyamory, in which he explains how his partner Ruth shares a bed between him and his meta — her other life partner.

This invites a discussion about polyamory, but first, a discussion about fairness and content. In my mind that’s the main thing in the post before we get to relationships.

The point is simple:

When you aim for parity, you’re trying to make sure that every person gets the same thing. But this isn’t ideal, because not every person wants or needs the same thing!

Fairness, is aiming to for everybody to be content.

Ideally, everybody would get everything they wanted, all the time! But where that’s impossible, we can aim to at-least ensure that everybody is content. That everything is “good enough” for everybody. Unlike a quest for parity, this respects the fact that people have different needs.

I like pour-over coffee on Sunday mornings. My partner Nat doesn’t really care as long as there is coffee. Meanwhile, my mom, when she comes to visit, prefers pour-over every time because of its pureness and strength. If you were over, you might like it with cream and sugar — to my horror, may I add, but I won’t judge you for it! The point is, we all want different things.

Take it another step. I like my pour-over Sundays, and Nat doesn’t really care, right? That means we build a routine around it. The Sunday morning coffee. We don’t build it because Sunday is special, or because I need to cycle through my compost containers — it’s the other way around: it works, so we start doing it this way, which becomes a custom, which makes Sunday a bit special because of it, and I end up rotating my compost disposal routine around it because it’s convenient. Before you know it, it’s weird if it doesn’t happen.

Relationships are not all that different.

To circle back to Dan’s polyamory, the idea is to keep people content. Give everyone something so they feel satisfied enough. There is a compromise, yes, but it’s worth it because it means everyone is satisfied, not just individuals. And when you’re involved with and care about several people, having everyone content like this is the main thing. It’s what makes it work. If that wasn’t the case, it wouldn’t exist.

When my partner RK comes around, about once a week, we spend intimate time together. It means Nat doesn’t get to be as intimate with me as they’d like, for that specific time. I’m taking a wild guess here, knowing Nat for I think 15 years (I’m losing count at this point), that he doesn’t mind it that much. He likes his space, and while he appreciates care and attention, he’d say he’s like a cat: give in small doses, maybe a small cuddle, show that he’s important, and run away before he scratches your face. I’m in a similar way, which is why we have our separate bedrooms. We each prefer our privacy and space this way. It’s a given. Our lives are built around this — much like the Sunday coffee, just on another level.

I feel like this is a point people who look at non-monogamy from the outside don’t understand. How do you share the bedroom? How do you share romance, how do you share sex, how do you even live under the same roof? The answer is, you just do. It just happens. Just as Dan says:

If you love and trust and want the best for one another, then – hopefully – you can be honest about what you want, and can be okay with being hearing whether or not it’s something that your partner(s) can provide. Or else work together to find compromise position that best facilitates everybody’s needs!

In other words, “use your words.” Does it always work, 100%? Of course not. People get upset. Shit hits the fan. But it doesn’t happen often, or almost ever, if everyone is content. Even if the package comes undone, and everyone goes their own way (as it happened to me not too long ago), it doesn’t feel like a loss, because we’re still in touch. We’re still friends. It’s just natural like everything else. You tune the volume level on the relationship and become content on a different level.

I realize that for me this is a way of life, and for some this might sound like I’m from Mars. For me it was always this way, even before I could name my relationship type and try to chase the ever-changing labels that define it. And judging from how long this has been working, I’d say it’s pretty good and stable.

And Dan, I appreciate you bringing this up, talking about it, and inviting a conversation. I don’t think we talk about it enough. So thanks!