With the days growing shorter and work being what it is, I find that once again I don’t even leave the apartment — and when I do, it’s usually for a short errand like grocery shopping or returning something to Amazon at the local Staples.

Work fills up my time, especially now with less daylight, but that’s only half the story. My energy is drained more regularly and thoroughly as I spend more of my spoons there.

Fortunately, I believe that at this point in time the downward spiral has slowed down. I am able to select points in my day where I take care of myself on a regular basis. I manage to sleep more overall. I exercise, though briefly, a couple of times a week (OK, twice, and it’s still a struggle, but hey, better than nothing). I go for short walks to get some sun while it’s still out. I see a therapist again to keep an eye on everything, and I managed to get a hold of ADHD meds (finally) if I need them.

And yet, or perhaps because of all of this, I find that I’m thirsty to be more creative. To do more with my own projects — be it this blog, Emacs geekery, or discovering and playing new video games (rather than playing the same old ones over and over). Hell, I’m even enjoying a new book I’m mostly done with at this point.

Many of my co-workers have kids. As a matter of fact, most of them have kids who have already left home. I find myself wondering how they did it. I can’t imagine the sacrifices that had to be made. For me, it would probably mean switching jobs or choosing which people I can’t spend time with. While I would never be monogamous, I wouldn’t be able to have as many close people to me as I do now. There’s simply not enough time in the day, and days in the week.

I realized that if I had kids, they would take priority, leaving me no time to be who I am today. I wouldn’t be me — and I like the person I am.

It’s not just me either. I find that my close friends, those in my polyamorous circles, are making the same choices. Only a few days ago, a third one made the choice to undergo a hysterectomy. It’s not just a pattern: it’s a /commitment/ that goes beyond my simpler choice to remain childfree.

As we grow older, our choices become more of a one-way street. This sounds negative, but it’s not inherently bad. Going forward without looking back means no second-guessing, and moving forward at full speed toward what you believe is right for you. It lets you plan ahead on principles you believe in. It means you trust yourself.